I have received so many messages from moms and dads of their stories of miscarriage and so many sweet prayers...I am so thankful for everyone sharing their personal stories of their sweet babies. I was also extremely saddened that so many people haven't shared their stories with others. Although it is NOT fun to talk about, I can't imagine how hard it would be to heal if I closed up and didn't talk and pray about it. I am a very open and honest person, so I don't mind telling my story. I don't care that some people disagree with what I've done or how I feel about this. I don't care if people judge me for what's happened. I don't regret telling people that we were expecting before we made it to the second trimester. I hope that some mothers and fathers that have suffered loss find encouragement through our suffering.
I found out that we were expecting on Labor Day. Dustin and I were elated and didn't wait a second to share the news with our family. The family was of course very excited. Only a couple of weeks after finding out that we were pregnant, we had an ultrasound to discover that we were expecting twins!! We couldn't believe it. Literally, shocked. The ultrasound tech waited about fifteen minutes into the appointment to tell us...which made it even harder to believe! She wanted to be sure that there were really two sacs before telling us.
She, and the midwife, were very very clear from the beginning that they don't see twins this early in an ultrasound all that often and to be very cautious to share the news with anyone, even close family, until we were in the "clear" of the glorious second trimester.
We left the appointment, unphased by their warnings and couldn't wait to tell family and friends. So we didn't. I felt so sure inside my heart that I was meant to carry those twins full term and that they would be perfectly safe inside me. I was healthy. I am strong mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I never for a moment considered that a miscarriage could be a part of our history.
That was, until our next appointment. The babies hadn't changed too much in the ultrasound and I just sensed that things weren't right. I knew that I should have measured further along. I stayed strong and didn't cry when the tech told us that things weren't looking too good. I didn't want to believe her words. After all, I had already gotten everyone's hopes up. I didn't want to face all of the upset questions from family and friends.
I quickly fell apart after leaving the appointment and realized that my confidence in the blessings was my own selfishness. Total selfishness. I had two weeks to grieve the possibility of a miscarriage before I actually miscarried both babies. So when it actually happened, I was somewhat prepared and at peace. I knew in my heart that it was coming.
It was a lonely night when it happened, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I grieved for them. I had all night alone to cry, pray and be in my own thoughts. I selfishly wanted them still growing inside me, but knew that this wasn't a mistake. This was God's plan from the beginning. I was just along for the bumpy ride. I waited until the sun came up and my daughter woke up to bury the babies. I showed Hayden and Dustin the babies, prayed for them, we kissed the burial box and we buried them in a special place in our yard. It was a very hard thing to do, but wouldn't have it any other way.
So many people have apologized to me. Told me that they're sorry for my loss. I am not sorry. I'm not sorry that it happened. Of course I am extremely saddened and aching inside, but I am peaceful knowing that the babies weren't mine to begin with. God chose me to carry them. Even if it were for just a couple months...he chose me for this great joy and this great suffering. I am beyond honored and thankful for it all. Words can't express my thankfulness for God's constant grace. He knew that I could handle this. Through this all, it's brought me so much closer to Him. All I can seem to do is praise Jesus. And for that, I am also thankful. Without God, I wouldn't have known His promise to find the positivity and strength to make it through.
Again, Dustin and I are so thankful for the love and personal stories that people have so kindly shared with us. Knowing how painful it is to talk about, we thank you and are praying for you all! We love all of you so much.
Psalm 71: 20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up.
