My Explant Journey

I have received so many questions from strangers, friends and family as to why I chose to explant. And to be quite honest, as I sit here in the first week of post-op...I have asked myself once if I made the right choice. I quickly stopped that thought because I knew that it would lead me into a whirlwind of negative responses.

I know that I don't owe anyone an explanation. But in true Lindsay fashion, I am an open book and if sharing my experience saves someone else from making my same decisions...I would say it is worth sharing. I have no shame in admitting that I chose to have a breast augmentation in 2009. I was 21 at the time and truly hated myself. I didn't like who I was, I didn't know who I was, and I definitely didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was consumed by society's standards of what was beautiful and womanly. My AAA cup (maybe a AA cup at most) didn't fit that mold and I hated it. Dustin and I were just dating at the time. I told him that I wanted to have breast implants placed. He shut it down and told me that I didn't need them to be beautiful. But when I have something in my mind, I won't let it go and almost always see it through.

I will never forget when my best friend, Katie, called me and said "Lindsay! The radio station is having a 'Breast Christmas Ever' (I laugh out loud at this still to this day...it's so ridiculous) contest!" And I just knew this was my chance to do it (seeing as how I was a college student with zero income). So long story short, I submitted a hilarious video and won myself a set of fake boobs.

The surgery was quick and easy. I woke from surgery feeling as if there was an actual elephant sitting on my chest and dying from pain. I remember looking down at my chest, still groggy from the anesthesia and said "Oh sh!t, I have t!ts! They're huge!" (Pardon my vulgarity..let's remember that I was a different person and in a dark place.) I was so thrilled with my results. They were beautiful and I finally felt like a woman.

For many years, I told all of my girlfriends that it was the best decision that I made in my life thus far, next to marrying Dustin. I genuinely meant it, too. That is how much I loved it. I compared it to marrying my husband. That's just freaking sad. Unfortunately for me and my openness, I led many women to make the same decision that I made. I say it is unfortunate for me, because I should have told those women that they were perfect. BECAUSE THEY ARE. I didn't build them up in a time when they needed it most. I didn't set any good examples. Hindsight is 20/20. I was obviously not in any condition to be able to positively influence anyone.

Life was wedded bliss with my big fake boobs until it wasn't. I was pregnant with my middle child in 2015 (my implants were around 7 years old at this point which I learned is the average time it takes for issues to arise in most studies) that I noticed some mild discomfort on my left side. I brushed it off as something that I probably did during a workout. Some time passed and my son was born. Just days before his first birthday, he got very sick with RSV. I literally spent two straight weeks holding him 24/7. Even when he slept. I held him mostly on my left side so that I could keep my right arm free to do tasks. It was from that point on that the discomfort got worse. I told my husband that something wasn't right and that when I was done breastfeeding our son that I would probably need to have them fixed. So that was my plan. Until we accidentally got pregnant with the third kid. So unfortunately, I went longer than I wanted to in suffering from this pain for 3+ years. It hurt to take a deep breath, it hurt to do any chest movements, it was disabling me from crossfitting, and from holding my kids.

I was telling one of my breast friends (see what I did there ;) about my pain and she had asked if I heard about breast implant illness. This was my same friend who asked me when I was pregnant with our first child, if I had ever considered having a natural, drug-free birth. I owe so much to her for opening my eyes! I began researching breast implant illness (BII for short). Superficially, the research seemed like most any sickness that you can Google....every symptom under the sun fell under this BII category. (insert an eyeroll) I didn't like the term or the results, so I changed my searches. I was more concerned with the implants, the materials used and safety/efficacy studies done on them. I spent countless hours and sleepless nights researching and I didn't find a single study or sheet from the manufacturer of my implants that brought me piece of mind. TRUST ME....I dug deep. I needed seriously convincing evidence to talk me out of having boobs. I loved them. The thought of taking them out was absurd and downright terrifying to me. I was going to take out something that I loved, and return to my old chest with possibly more scars; if not...worse. Then the self-abuse started. I beat myself up mentally for a solid year for even putting the implants in. Why couldn't I just have been happy with the way that God made me? The enemy was creeping in on my life and consuming my thoughts. This was all part of the learning and growth process for me. I struggled and ultimately leaned in on lots of prayer and self affirmations.

On March 1, 2019 the FDA finally came out with a statement admitting that all breast implants are linked to a specific type of cancer. This cancer is only found in women who have implants. Other countries are banning these manufacturers. I was part of what was supposed to be a ten year study/trial with Allergen implant manufacturers who after only a few short years, dropped the study for lack of retention and success. After researching the materials used to make the implants (the data sheet from Allergan is deeply disturbing and was never shown to me prior to augmentation), their ability to allow bodily fluids to permeate (which therefore would also allow implant materials to leach), the fact that I was in pain which was ultimately disabling me from enjoying life, and for the beautiful fact that I have life now; all helped me decide to explant.

Here is what I am certain of:
I finally know who I am. I found purpose. I matured. I was created in His image, which is beyond beautiful. I am a wife to an amazing man who builds me up every, single, day. I am a mother to three babies who desperately need me. I am a mother to two daughters who need to know how to love their bodies because this world will not teach them that. I am surrounded by strong women in my life who have taught me to love myself and to be confident. I refuse to have a surgery every ten years just to have a chest. It's simply not worth it to me anymore. I made some seriously poor decisions. I would love to regret them, but I won't allow myself to have that regret. Sure, they have caused a lot of tough consequences down the road that are painful. But that same pain has led me to so much growth. I can now, make up for the poor choices that I made then. I can share my very humbling journey of loving myself to my daughters. They will never hear me complain about my body. Ever. Even now. Guys...if you're wondering what boobs look like immediately after explant...they're not so glamorous. They're wrapped so dang tight from compression and bandages that the skin wrinkles temporarily and the general flatness of my natural self is shocking. I went from a full F cup while nursing to an A. Talk about weight loss! I have every reason to make negative comments. But I will not. Anytime I find myself not liking what I see, I tell myself that "I am perfect, I love myself" (declaring it aloud) and then walk away from the mirror. I refuse to waste any more of my life by beating myself up for a severe lack of confidence. I will not go back to what I was before. I know it sounds silly and all girl-powerish...but it's true when I say that my chest didn't define me (even though I allowed it to for a while). I will not let myself or my daughters fall into that same trap.

This will continue to be a healing and humbling experience as I heal in the year to come. It was a major surgery. They had to repair my 10-year old torn, weakened muscle. It will take a long time to regain strength. I am quite literally getting my butt kicked now that I am home and trying to coexist as a mom who did it all, to now a mom with a bruised ego who can't use her arms yet.  I will keep you all updated as I go. But just know that if you're on the fence about getting implants that I would strongly advise you to reconsider. I influenced too many to getting them years before and now it's my turn to help influence even more to love themselves. Be thankful for whatever season you are in. Every moment, good or bad, is an opportunity to grow.

Life Nowadays

I really love Facebook's memories that pop up every morning. Most days I feel all warm and fuzzy seeing pictures from years ago of my husband and I pre-kids (so young and rested), or pictures of my kids when they were just so tiny and new. But there are some memories that just make me laugh...or cringe. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw a memory from a few years ago when we just had ONE kid. Ha. I made her a lunch  that consisted of grilled lemon chicken served on a bed of riced purple cauliflower and a steamed vegetable medley. FOR LUNCH! Who was I?? The mom in me now could cry laughing...pardon my honesty here but, there's no way in hell my kids could wish to eat something so healthy unless its from dinner the night before (prepared by their father) or from a restaurant. Now my kids consider it a special day to get frozen gluten free chicken nuggets. As if my saying they’re gluten free makes it any better? Whatever. Makes me feel less guilty, okay? ;)

Looking back at how I felt in that moment of having one child, life was hard. I was drowning in the newness of the role of being a mother. I worried about everything my daughter ate, did or didn't do. I was filled with fears, regret, hormones, exhaustion and disappointment. I suffered from postpartum depression. Until this point I didn’t believe postpartum depression was real, I honestly always thought it was an excuse for the weak. I couldn’t have been anymore off. I was in the hardest season of my life this far. No one can prepare you for that. No amount of advice, books, or warnings could have prepared me for the hardness that was headed our way. Everyone talks about PP depression now, but I find that there's still a lack of normalcy to it. I never wanted to admit that I felt sad fulfilling this role somedays, or felt insanely angry on others. I absolutely dreaded the loneliness that nighttime would bring. I hated being alone at night with a baby who screamed her head off nonstop no matter what I did. I hated myself even more when I would lose my temper and say hurtful things to the kid I am supposed to be loving and nurturing.

I am pregnant with our third kid and am so thankful for this, but most days my husband and I wonder how we could possibly add another human to our chaotic life. (Major hats off to you parents who have an army of children) 99.9% of the time we feel as if we are just barely getting through the day successfully only to go to bed exhausted knowing tomorrow brings the rain all over again. But what keeps me going is constant prayer and knowing that I am in this with my homie Jesus and my awesome husband. We are a team. Over the years, we have grown to be a seriously solid team that can accomplish anything. There may be somedays that we are lucky to high five and kiss as we head out the door, but I know we are in this together and that makes us stronger than any amount of tiny humans seeking to suck the life out of us. ;)

So that picture of the fancy lunch I posted for my daughter on that successful day wasn't fully honest. Those who are close to me know my struggles with this, but for those who aren't and see me post happy pictures-here's the real story behind it all. I may have nailed a solid lunch, but what that post didn't show was a mom who was terrified and desperate to hear that she wasn't alone. If any of you read this and know what I am talking about, I high five you and give you a gigantic hug. You're not alone...and having those thoughts doesn't make you any less of a mother. You will overcome it. I did, with lots of prayer and effort. There are still days where I  wake up to hear the crying moans over the baby monitor and just wish that I could skip the day or checkout already. I think,  "You just slept all night, how can you possibly be waking up crying?!"

There's nothing wrong with you feeling that way, and I find it super encouraging when others can be honest in their struggles and makes me feel as if I can continue on with my day with a smile knowing we are in this together. We can take advantage of social media to build relationships with those around us who are in similar stages of life and build each other up. Raising another human is a hard job, but there is no one better equipped to do it than you. God chose you to be your baby's momma, not anyone else. So own that role and picture yourself on the craziest-most fun roller coaster ever...sit back and enjoy the ride ;)!

This better not be foreshadowing...

Dealing With Eczema in Kids

I should title this blog post something more along the lines of eliminating eczema because that it just what we have done! Both of my kids and myself have struggled with bad bouts of this. My daughter thankfully grew out of hers right around her second birthday. I struggled with it most of my childhood life, and like most, "grew out of it" with occasional dermatitis issues as an adult from being exposed to different chemicals at work. My son on the other hand hasn't been as fortunate to have it resolve on his own. His actually got so bad that we were unable to manage it on our own. His skin at any given time would be lit up like the fourth of July! Anything we tried to put on it or do to help seemed to make it worse and it covered almost his entire body minus his head and feet. Knowing how painful and itchy eczema is, it broke my heart to think of how he must have felt on his worst days with it covering his whole body. I am kind of wishing I would have saved the before pictures of his skin, but they were way too sad to keep. I knew I would't ever want to remember those moments.

We tried what the pediatrician recommended (applying ointment and topical steroids twice daily for two weeks-which also came with great warning as prolonged steroid use isn't optimal), changed up laundry detergents, sun exposure, adjustments, supplemented with vitamins...you name it, we did it. Some of these changes would show some relief, but it would always come back with vengeance. We had labs drawn to test for true allergies, and all came back clear. The pediatrician explained that just because he isn't allergic to any foods doesn't mean that he can't not be sensitive to certain foods. She recommended we see an allergist for further testing.

I knew that muscle testing (applied kinesiology) had miraculous results for me, so this was the route I finally took with my boy! It was just a matter of finding someone who I could trust and did this on babies. It was quick, totally painless (best alternative to being exposed to major triggers and chemicals with an allergist) and worked like a charm! The chiropractor informed us that every one and every body is different, but that most eczema is worsened by two main food groups, wheat and dairy. Although we primarily don't consume these foods, he was still getting enough exposure to these things that it was making his skin a total mess!

He tested sensitive (not allergic, that's an entirely different testing process which we did do through our pediatrician) to the following:

-Rye
-Dairy
-Wheat
-Soy
-Corn (found in many gluten free options, so read the labels!)
-Peanut Butter (he used to eat PB in massive spoonfuls...shhh)

It hasn't been even a month since we eliminated all of these foods for him and his skin is clear! No more itchiness, fussiness, crazy sensitive skin. As a parent of a kid who suffers from eczema, you know what a relief this is!

I will continue to keep our skin care protocol for patients with eczema and do the following:

-bathe him in the gentlest of cleansers
-use lukewarm bath water
-use my hands to cleanse him rather than a washrag
-apply a lotion that I make (2 ingredients) on him 4 times a day to keep his skin moisturized
-give him plenty of healthy fats and Omega supplements to nourish his skin from the inside out.

All of these are things that I did prior to the diet change as well. I would love to hear your stories and testimonies, too!

Essential Oil Starter Kit

I started using essential oils right around the time that I had my first baby. I had jumped on the all-natural bandwagon about a year prior and knew that using essential oils was a necessity for completing this lifestyle of ours. I needed support, because life happens and traditional medicine wasn't my first choice anymore. Essential oils are truly a gift from God! 

FAQ

What are essential oils? They're the life blood of the plants. They're distilled, cold-pressed or resin tapped to create the oils that we use on a daily basis.

What do we use essential oils for? For everything. Really! Whether you're looking to support sleep, boost your immune system, DIY products to replace chemicals, clean, increase energy, support healthy skin & hair, replace candles & chemically filled wall plug-ins, calm emotions, give courage, support healthy hormone levels, chill-out fussy kids...if you've never heard this saying before, let me be the first to tell you that "there is an oil for that!!" 

Why should I choose Young Living essential oils? I am honest and open and I look for the same with the companies that I purchase from. Young Living is just that and more. They have been around for decades, and are the world leaders in essential oils for a good reason. They have a Seed to Seal process that is unmatched. There isn't a single company out there that can vouch that they follow the same standards that YL has created for their creation and production of essential oils. They own their own farms and can therefore control the entire process from selecting the seed, planting, cultivating, harvesting, distilling, testing for purity and production. They go as far as testing the oils to discover the best time of year & time of the day to plant and harvest the plants to create the optimal chemical constituents of the essential oil. If an oil in the production line doesn't match their standards, they don't produce it. They don't use glucophosphates (chemicals) to treat their plants, rather they hand weed or use their own essential oils to reduce weed growth. You and I can go and tour any of their farms and see how it's done. They are a transparent company and produce truly top quality oils. When you get a bottle of let's say lemon oil, you know that what you're getting is 100% pure, unadulterated therapeutic lemon oil. 

How do I use them? There are 3 ways to use essential oils: ingestion (ie. a drop of lemon oil in a glass cup of water), aromatically (ie. using a diffuser, letting a couple drops hit the palm of your hand and cupping over your nose & mouth, or simply just inhaling an open bottle), and topically (rubbing on your skin using a carrier oil-[an organic, unrefined oil used to dilute the essential oil to slow and aid in proper absorption])

I'm so clueless & overwhelmed by all of the oils. How will I learn? I make it a point to walk this oily journey with you from the start. When I first started using EO, no one taught me how to use them so they sat in my cabinet for years (they never expire by the way :) and so it is my mission to make sure that you don't make the same mistake I did. Upon purchasing your own starter kit of YL essential oils, I will provide you with a welcome package full of goodies to put your new oils to good use! I will add you to exclusive groups on Facebook that are full of information and guidance and allow you to have access to oil support 24/7 through an awesome community of people. 

What should I start with? The Premium Starter Kit is just as it sounds. You will get 10 of the most commonly used EO, a bonus top-selling oil called Stress Away and your choice of a diffuser (plus many other goodies and information). You'll be getting over $300 worth of product for only $160. YL has discounted the starter kits so drastically, I believe, in hopes to make it affordable for us to get a start on living a chemical free lifestyle. Oils are the perfect gateway to starting this natural journey!

You can go here to learn more and purchase your own essential oils. Upon receiving your kit, you receive membership which gains you 24% off retail price and you'll join a super supportive and oily community that will greatly bless you on this journey. There is no monthly shipment (unless you select to receive oils and products on that basis). If you are interested in learning more about the oils and the company as far as the business side of things goes, I would be happy to share that blessing with you as well.

Any suggestions made on this blog are very specific to Young Living essential oils and should not be used with oils from another source. Statements made on this website about Young Living Essential Oils have not been evaluated by the FDA. These products and information are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Anyone suffering from disease or injury should consult with a physician. If you are currently on medication, please do not stop.

Cleaning House, Naturally

As I sit here taking the time to share about how I clean my home without the use of synthetic & harsh chemicals, I am also ironically letting the bathtub fill up to soak and clean because a certain sick little baby (not going to mention any names here) decided to puke AND poop in the bath tonight. Super fun cleanup.

I am a type-A personality, total neat freak, and on any given day would likely choose to clean my house over hanging out with my kids. It's nothing to brag about, I know I have a serious problem! I am learning to find a healthy balance.

What I really want to share was how we use essential oils to clean our home from top to bottom. I have replaced every single cleaner with just these three things! Best part of all is, there is no need for me to lock the cabinet under the kitchen sink.

Deodorizing

Because we are in the thick of living the toddler life with two young kiddos, our house at any given time throughout the day pretty much looks like a tiny-tot version of a fraternity on a Sunday morning. There are greasy handprints on everything, half-drank sippy cups all over the floor, undressed baby dolls tucked in random spots on the couch, smeared food on every surface below knee level, random wet spots that you keep stepping in, and bits of leftover food found in any corner of every room. Add two large dogs to this hot mess, and it is a recipe for an aroma that just can't be duplicated if you tried. I have a nose that is comparable to that of a bloodhound and find myself complaining over smells all day long. The essential oil blend that has without a doubt saved my sanity, is Purification. It's a blend of citronella, rosemary, lemongrass, tea tree, lavandin, & myrtle oils.

We put this in our diffuser with a couple drops of lemon essential oil and not only does it completely eliminate the odors, but it smells amazing! It is my all-time favorite diffuser recipe and receive so many compliments when people come over. Other ways we use this beauty is:

• Several drops in a glass spray bottle and mist the dogs (bug, flea & tick repellant), dog beds, sheets, rugs, & pillows to eliminate odors
• Just about every morning I put a drop or two of Purification in the kitchen sink and disposal to ditch the stench
• Mix in a glass spray bottle & use this as an all-natural bug spray for ourselves
• Place a couple drops on a wooden clothespin and clip to the vents in my car
• One drop in a vase with flowers to extend their longevity

Scrubbing

Cleaning the sinks, toilets, stovetop, oven door and extra grimy countertops requires a little grit. I so appreciate this scrub for the fact that it smells amazing, gets the junk off and kills the germs! I use a recipe of baking soda, Thieves Household Cleaner, Lemon oil & distilled vinegar. I just mix these together and store in a large glass mason jar. This is something that is also kid friendly. This fact alone is another reason why I will only use natural cleaning options. I want my kids to learn to do household chores, but wouldn't ever let them touch or breathe those chemicals of traditionally used cleaners. Now there is no excuse kids, put your back into it ;) 

Wiping, De-germing, All Purpose Cleaning...because kids

We use the Thieves Household Cleaner on EVERYTHING else that the above doesn't cover. Stained carpet? No problem. Stainless Steel? No problem there. Glass, mirrors, windows, hardwood floors, leather couch, stained clothes, cabinets, toys, countertops, tile, laminate...doesn't matter what it is...this stuff is incredible and can handle it. I didn't discover this cleaner until last fall and am honestly pretty upset no one told me about it sooner. If you knew about this cleaner and didn't share it with me, shame on you for keeping it a secret. As a recovering cleanaholic, I can't shout from the rooftops enough about this schtuff!!! :) I feel almost guilty to mention that it's ridiculously cheap too because it sounds too good to be true. I use this stuff probably 100 million times a day and am still on my first bottle of this stuff. It's a concentrate, so all you need is a capful in a spray bottle and fill the rest of the bottle with water. Pretty awesome, right?

I hope that you find this info helpful if you are looking to make the jump to cleaning naturally, but may be hesitant...let this be the push you need. I promise you, you won't look back!! You can learn more details on getting these gems here or can follow along on my IG account to see more ideas of how we use them in more ways than just cleaning!

Dinner for Picky Eaters

Hey guys! I apologize for it taking me so long to post this recipe (I shared it on my IG account last week), but I will try and keep some recipes coming for you! I wanted to share a simple, delicious recipe that our family has been using on repeat lately. This is great for families with picky little ones especially when it comes to eating vegetables. Both of our kiddos love these so much and I hope yours do as well!

Sous smiley chef

Ingredients:
2 lb extra lean ground turkey
1 head of organic broccoli
Lots of Flavor God lemon garlic seasoning
Dash of Himalayan sea salt
1 tbsp of organic olive oil
*optional: splash of Bragg's Liquid Aminos

(If you don't have a lemon garlic seasoning, you can use spicy seasonings or even just salt and pepper. I prefer my food spicy, but often leave the spice out so the kids can enjoy as well. This makes a lot of turkey meatballs, so you can reduce with 1 lb turkey and 1/2 head of broccoli)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Break the broccoli into small florets and place in food processor.

Process the broccoli until it is in a finer (rice-like) consistency and dump into mixing bowl.

Add ground turkey, seasonings, salt and olive oil. Mix all ingredients.

Scoop out into balls on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.

Bake at 350 for about 15-20 min (less or more..cook until turkey is cooked through when cutting a meatball in half)

These aren't much to look at. I know I've said this before, but when it comes to getting picky kids to eat healthy options...presentation is everything. So I urge you to take the time and ball these better than I did. Mine resemble more of a plop of meat ice cream ;) These taste awesome as leftovers cold or reheated. I like to make these on a Monday, and then I consider them our emergency dinner for the moments when we are too exhausted to cook or unprepared. Which is basically every night. These really are a meal all wrapped in a tiny ball. Add some carbs to it if you wish, maybe some sweet potatoes, roasted cauliflower, or carrots, and you have a meal! Have a great weekend guys!

Backstory

Most of you who know me personally, know that I am a pretty "crunchy" person. Crunchy...aka hippie. (I draw the line at dreads...but I have seriously contemplated it with the amount of postpartum hair loss I've suffered) With this one, unfortunate word that I just used to describe myself, let me tell a little of my back story before you judge me. I know the stigma that comes with "crunchy moms". I am ok with it. I landed myself in this category for a darn good reason and am not ashamed to share it. Many of the major choices I make for myself and my family are based on this story right here. I get a lot of judgement and flak for the way I choose to raise my kids, but this story is what a lot of people don't realize before they judge me. I never want my kids to find themselves in the position that I found myself in at such a young age.

It goes back as far as my high school years (it actually goes back way further than this, but this was the age that I started to feel the effects of the way I had lived my life-think a giant cinnabon. because that's pretty much the main food group of my entire childhood. Bread, sugar, more bread with some sugar sprinkled on top of that ;). I would wake up with very sore wrists that never seemed to get any better, but I just assumed that it was the way that I had been sleeping with my wrists tucked under my chin. My parents never thought anything of it, and honestly...I didn't either! I was seventeen. Seventeen year olds don't get disease. Fast forward a couple years, I was only a freshman in college and my joints would hurt so bad that I was taking naproxen every day just to function. I took this medicine every day for over a year. Fast forward a little bit more, and I began to feel the effects of taking too much NSAID. I won't go into detail (as to spare people who grow faint like my husband), but it was obvious that my body couldn't handle all of the pain meds that I was taking. So I backed off from taking it daily and saved it for the days when I knew I'd have to be on my A-game like school and work. This method managed to get me by for a few years, but it grew increasingly worrisome to me as I wasn't finding any improvement. Deep down, I knew that this wasn't normal. I couldn't even dress myself! I would wake from the pain in the night. Something had to be wrong with me. I made an appointment with a rheumatologist and waited for the diagnosis.

I received the diagnosis around my 23rd birthday. Me and some of my closest friends and family were headed out to Las Vegas to celebrate when I got the phone call.

My beautiful mother and myself on the day I received the call from the rheumatologist

I had prayed for a long time that no matter what the diagnosis was, that God would give me the strength, faith and attitude to overcome whatever it was. The doctor told me over the phone that it was rheumatoid arthritis. It stung to hear. I was 23 and felt like I was 93. When I should have felt like I was in my prime, I only saw a future full of pain and fear. I didn't want to accept this. The doctor recommended a medication that I would need to take for the remainder of my life and the thought of that just straight up scared the crap out of me. I expressed my fears with her and she understood, especially because I was hoping to get married and have babies in the near future. My doctor and I agreed to continue on the path I had been on (aka-tough it out) and just keep checking in for evaluation.

I have a super high tolerance for pain, and managing the pain of the RA was doable for me. Unfortunately though, this wasn't my only issue. In 2011, I graduated from dental hygiene school and landed my first job. I was thrilled, but I was literally disabled. The pain from my RA and the irritable bowel symptoms I had been having for over 5 years progressed every single day. (again, sparing you the details. You're welcome). It was to the point that I literally could not continue to live a normal life anymore.

Wanted to share a picture from my graduation from dental hygiene school, but couldn't resist sharing this one instead. Again, you're welcome ;)

I was desperate to find relief so I made an appointment with my physician who literally didn't care about anything other than concealing  my symptoms. He gave me a medication to conceal the IBS and help me get through my days. I left that appointment feeling immensely frustrated and confused. He didn't consider investigating why I was going to the bathroom 10+ times a day or that my hands hurt so bad I would rather just chop them off. Didn't he care WHY my young body was suffering like this?? I knew there had to be someone out there that could help me. I sought out a specialist. 

Next appointment I made was with a gastroenterologist. He suggested Chron's or Celiac disease and followed that up with a colonoscopy. The joy. The procedure revealed nothing other than massive amounts of inflammation (shocker) and a blue color seen throughout. He was surprised in seeing blue and asked if I had anything blue to eat prior to the procedure....UM YEAH. The gallon of blue gatorade you suggested I mix with the gallon of Miralax, are. you. kidding. me. I had never felt like I wasted more time and energy in my entire life. I left that appointment relieved only for the fact that I could eat food again and never have the procedure done again until I'm much older. He summed up his findings with this, and I'm literally quoting him on this one..."Well, you're clear from any major bowel disease, but you have a significant amount of inflammation. I will admit, there are many unknown/undiscovered diseases that start in the gut, and we categorize these mysterious cases like yours as irritable bowel disorder simply because we haven't been able to figure out the cause yet. I am sorry, but there are medications that we can offer you to help you with this." I just had to laugh because of all that I endured, all the doctors I had seen and tests that I went through; this was the final diagnosis. I believe this is where most people give up. They take the medicine, without question and suffer the rest of their lives. Maybe it was because I thought I was too young for this sickness, or because I am very strong-willed and stubborn, but I was on a mission to figure this out. I refused to stop here.

So I continued to suffer for years until God guided me towards a more natural path. He placed people in my life, and moments in my life that led me to this state of healing. I can't explain it any other way, other than I just knew there was a way out of this. I wasn't going to accept living the rest of my life in this decaying state. 

I chose to see a chiropractor who practiced nutritional wellness. The first appointment was comparable to voodoo in my mind. I wanted to laugh, actually, I did laugh to most of what he was doing to test my body. (but kept my words to myself) Honestly, I had nothing...absolutely nothing to lose at this point. Modern medicine had truly failed me. 

I was a newlywed who wanted so badly to become a mother. To be a mother that could live a long, healthy, strong life with her amazing husband and future kids. I expressed this deepest desire of mine to the chiropractor and he just looked at me and flat out said, "This will be no problem. It will take time, but we will heal your body." I was ecstatic inside to hear this news. I wanted to hear this so badly and to believe it even more. For the first time in years, I had hope.

My husband and I (before we discovered a life of health)

He started with adjustments and eliminating major food groups (key=GRAINS, GRAINS, GRAINS). It wasn't even a couple of weeks and I started to feel dramatically more energetic. I could make it through my day at work without hogging up the one bathroom we had. I could get myself dressed in the morning without crying. I could walk in the mornings without limping like a hobbit. 

Without going into great detail of the exact regimen he put me on (because it was anything but simple...but SO worth it), I can say that we healed my body naturally. With real food. Real herbal supplements. No expensive medicines with side effects that had the potential to produce an alien-baby. No more NSAIDs. No more physicians looking at me like I was crazy and writing scripts for bulls!t medications. 

I went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and natural delivery. I went on to become a strong mother and wife. I went on to have another baby. I am nearly a decade older from when I first started this entire journey and can say that I feel 100x better today than I did in my late teens/early twenties. If I had to sum up what I learned from all of this, it would have to be that I never gave up. I'll never give up. I will always fight and keep my faith no matter what life throws at me. If I put my mind to something, I am going to seek to finish it. I will do this for myself, for my wonderful husband, my precious kids, and my amazing God. I will do this to set the example for my kids and pray that my story will shed light for someone else who may unfortunately find themselves in similar shoes. If you are there, I encourage and pray that you keep pressing on and never give up! There is hope and there is a way to find a more healthy life. It's going to take time, and work, but it is possible!

Thieves Energy Bites

Thieves is by far my favorite essential oil of all that I use. A lot of people were surprised to know you can even make some goodies with this one. Anytime I make these, they are gone within minutes and we are wishing I had made more. It uses just five ingredients including the essential oil, so this would be a very easy recipe to allow your kids to help conquer. 

Paul was SO cute and proud sitting at his table eating like a big boy! 

Ingredients:

1-2 drops Thieves essential oil

~1-1.5 cups  of organic quick oats

Dash of vanilla extract

1/2 cup of organic nut butter (we usually use peanut butter, but you could substitute with any butter)

1/3 cup of raw honey

Place honey and peanut butter in stove pot and warm over low heat just until the two melt and mix evenly. Remove from heat and splash in some vanilla extract and add the Thieves essential oil. Slowly add in the oats until it is no longer runny, and a cookie-dough consistency. (This is where Hayden likes to add in the sixth ingredient..."chocolate chips") Grab your scooper (or if you're hungry and making these alone...just get a spoon, grab the bowl and take a seat) and spoon onto parchment paper or cookie sheet. We usually pop them in the fridge and keep them there for storage (if they make it that long).

You're going to LOVE these!! 

Happy Spring!

Happy first day of spring ya'll!!! Even though it's ugly grey outside and still wet from last night's rain, I know that today is going to be an awesome day and it'll be an even better weekend! Hayden had a urinary tract infection a couple weeks ago that led us into a high fever and a pretty miserable couple of weeks. Today she has her ultrasound to confirm that her kidneys and bladder all look healthy despite her episode. As a first time parent, it's hard not to totally panic at the slightest boo-boo. (guilty, like super guilty. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to not be a total basket case of panic is to have more children. Problem solved. You're welcome hunny!) But I just have to reel my "momcrazy" back in and place my faith is in our amazing Savior and I know that no matter what the outcome is...we are in his great care. There is truly no better place to be. Thank you to everyone who had her in your prayers!

My sick sweetheart slept in my arms a lot that week!

On to food. I'm sorry for my lack of posts (again) as we have honestly been in a recipe slump lately. This seems to happen in the last couple cold months every year. We lose creativity...hope...warmth...all things awesome basically. It's as if the cold temps freeze our minds, the short days make us lazy-and then what we know is unhealthy junk food, makes its way into our kitchen. Are we the only ones that fall into this sickness? Oh well. Things have already started to perk up a little bit around here with the warmer temps. Dustin even said, "This warmer weather has me motivated for life!" (as we are driving to get fro-yo. I told you we are in a slump, okay?) I like where his heads at. This hopefully will result in delicious meals for us in the near future! I have some seriously delicious, not-so-paleo recipes I could share in the meantime if you'd be interested? ;)

My awesome Mother in Law let me use her what looks like 1980's waffle maker...
it was so fun we ate waffles for breakfast three days in a row! 

Easter is coming up soon and people ask me what I give Hayden for holidays if we don't "do" candy. It makes me laugh! As if candy is the only thing that kids get excited over. GUYS...non-candy Easter baskets are the bomb. I fill it with sidewalk chalk (which she just promptly takes to the infamous hole on our back deck that was placed there when our grill fell over in a storm..and shoves every piece down the hole. We don't color with chalk around here! We just shove it into holes where it will never be retrieved again. Super fun.) I also fill it with stickers (doughnut stickers this year), glitter tape, play dough, & bubbles. I also got her an awesome doughnut pillow, which I already gave to her. As a family, I think we have yet to actually do the gift giving on the actual holiday itself. Some may call it impatient, I consider it excitement!

Flashback to her first Easter. Someone needs to keep me from looking at old baby pics.
Tears, baby fever, more tears...

Cheers to the weekend guys!

Getting your kids to eat healthy

  So many parents struggle getting their kids to eat healthier foods. We are very blessed that we have a good little eater, but I (better than anyone else on this planet) know how difficult picky eaters can be. I was one. I was so malnourished as a kid for not eating and not eating the appropriate foods that I was always sick. My parents lived a nightmare trying to force feed me foods. I am forever sorry Mom and Dad for the torture I put us all through! I was such a weird kid. I still don't understand why I battled with food for so long, but I know better than anyone what goes through kids' minds when they refuse to eat certain things. Let me save you energy, if they're strong-willed, you're wasting your time.

 Thankfully when I met my husband, he encouraged me to try new things. It's funny what you'll do to impress someone you love ;) Until I graduated from Purdue, I had never tried steak, soup, tacos, (still haven't ever tried a good ol' Jimmy John's or Subway type sandwich), fish, zero condiments, cauliflower, mexican food, etc. The list goes on and on. It was sad. I thought a hamburger was made out of ham. My husband couldn't believe how I ate. I lived on pb&j, bread, more bread, cereal, more bread, and sugar. He would make me try new stuff, and (in hopes that he would continue taking me on dates), I would try whatever he told me to. So basically, I tried enough "normal" food that he finally decided I was pretty cool and married me ;)

  Now that I've proven my credibility in the picky-eater's world, let me share some personal (not-medically approved) tips! I am by no means an expert, but I feel for those of you who are in this boat & want to help.

1. Don't force foods on your kids. They certainly won't starve themselves. (Although I did as a child, but I was beyond stubborn) They will let you know when they're finally hungry. Kids don't live to eat, they eat to live! How often have your kids swam, played or ran around all day that you have to stop them from what they're doing to eat or make a bowel movement? Ha, they're really into having fun and living life! Kids develop unhealthy habits from watching us.

2. If you have an infant trying foods for the first time, try the foods with them! You can't expect kids to eat something that you won't eat either. I once made broccoli sound so tasty and delicious as I ate it, that I actually believed it was as good as chocolate cake or something. I am a pretty solid actress. You're at an advantage here because you're starting from a clean slate. They don't have any formed opinions on foods, yet.

3. Stop feeding them sugar (juices, cookies, candy, etc) and processed carbs (chips, crackers, fruit snacks, etc). Who would want to eat fruits and vegetables when you know how addicting junk food is? Use this junk very sparingly. After the holidays, it was very difficult to get my family back on track. And all of the sugar made us grumpy. My husband and I felt bloated and tired, and my daughter was hyper and acting-up more often. In my eyes, it wasn't worth eating 500+ cookies and buckeyes.

4. For parents with toddlers who already don't eat well, are picky, anti-vegetables, or sport the I'd-rather-die-than-eat-healthy-food attitude...don't give up. Keep offering healthy options everyday. Toss the junk. Out of sight, out of mind. Fill your tables, cabinets and fridge up with healthy choices. Eventually they'll get hungry and may try something they see you eating! Even if I'm not hungry, if I see someone eating, I instantly want to eat too. Please tell me I'm not the only one with this problem?!

5. Try making fruit and vegetable smoothies and let the kids help you. If they don't like vegetables, cover their eyes when you toss them in! ;) If they won't drink it, try freezing them into popsicles. Make it fun! Here is a great popsicle recipe book to try. If they are picky about specks, chunks, texture, the appearance, etc then try purchasing a high-quality blender that will puree the crap out of it as to eliminate these issues. As a kid, I wouldn't try anything that had spots or flecks of anything because I thought they were "bugs". Start out making these with more fruit vs. veggies as to make it sweet and more appetizing. Once they're used to eating these healthy treats, slowly incorporate more veggies!

6. When your child eats something healthy, make a GIGANTIC deal about it. Act like a total fool. I am so ridiculous, I actually make my daughter blush. Doing anything in life is a lot more enjoyable when you're being recognized and praised for doing so.

7. Eat as a family for as many meals as possible throughout the week! Because my husband works nights, we don't always get to have dinner together. We will turn our breakfast into family time instead! Eating together is healthy for everyone and encourages good eating habits, too.

8. Try a sticker-reward board. Create a board that is fun for your child. For every time they try a new healthy food, they get to put a sticker on the board and brag all about it! It would help if you could find food-related stickers, like these. For example: Eat a cucumber, pick out the cucumber sticker & stick it on the board; show mom & dad & grandma, grandpa, friends, dogs...whoever they want to brag to, and be sure to go crazy happy for them! ;) (we do this for potty-training and good behavior, too).

9. Don't give up trying. You'll likely waste food attempting this, which is frustrating, but eventually you'll figure out what they like. It'll be so worth all of the work!

10. Have them help you cook. There's been so many times that I've worked hard in the kitchen and made (more often than not) really disgusting meals...but I'll be damned if I am not going to eat it and make it sound like it was the best thing ever.

11. Educate them. Kids are so smart. They want to learn. Teach them what certain foods are, and learn what kinds of vitamins and minerals are in each food and how those things make us healthy & strong. If you don't know for yourself, then google it with them.

12. Pray for them. I pray daily for Hayden! I thank God for her health and pray for continued blessings.

I really hope this helps ya'll! I wish it were easier, but kids are tough. They're our greatest challenge and joys!

And remember...ya still gotta live the good life! To those who think all we eat are organic twigs and berries...

Dinners!

   Many have been asking recipes for the dinners we've been eating lately so I'll just share the latest we've tried with some other combo ideas for y'all! First off, I'm always asked where we grocery shop. Thanks to Fresh Thyme's grand opening, that is primarily where I shop now. However there are some things that we just consume so much of that I'll still occasionally go to Sams Club/Costco or Payless depending on what it is. Lately, we've been getting our grass fed beef from Fresh Thyme. But if you can't stand the crowds, you can get it from Payless or buy local from places like Sheepdog Farms in West Lafayette.

   We typically will have grass-fed beef or poultry throughout the week, occasionally adding in fish for variety. Funny story: last week we had salmon with cauliflower rice. I told my daughter to try the fish because it was really yummy. She was brave and tried it, but wasn't a fan. Calling it "fish", really threw her off. After all, I don't tell her to eat "cow", yet she loves beef. Now all she wants to do is try and swallow her toy "Flounder & Ariel." Kid's are so concrete and sensitive to what we tell them. I've been finding that it is all about presentation and careful wording when introducing toddlers to new healthy stuff!

  As most of you know, my husband does 99% of the cooking (when he's not working 7 days a week). Based off of his delicious meals, I would have to say that beef is the most versatile! There's so many different meals you can make with this one and have a totally different flavor every time. My daughter and I looove beef!

We love, love mexican food and miss the awesome fajitas he used to make. So he did this dinner for me a couple weeks ago.

It was one of those meals that was so good, I wished the plate would magically keep refilling itself. He just used some chia seed salsa he found at the grocery, grass fed beef and seasonings to create the meat portion. As for the veggies and sweet potatoes, we keep it plain and simple. 

Meat:

-1 lb grass-fed ground beef

-spicy salsa 

-seasonings (we use these, they make every dish perfect)

   Put beef on a skillet on medium heat, sprinkle in the seasonings of your choice. Once the meat begins to brown, add in about 1/2 cup of the salsa and continue to cook (at low to med heat, as a higher heat may burn the salsa) until all the meat is browned evenly. 

Sweet Potatoes:

-4-5 sweet potatoes diced

-coconut oil

-sea salt

   Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Peel (optional-I'll usually peel the skin off for my daughter) and dice sweet potatoes into small cubes. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and sprinkle sea salt onto the paper. Toss potatoes onto cookie sheet. Put into oven and set timer for 15 min. After 15 min, take a spatula or spoon with a chunk (1 tbsp or 2) of coconut oil on it, and stir up the potatoes until the coconut oil melts off of the spoon. Put back into oven and let it cook for another 15-20 min, stirring in 15 min intervals until all of the potatoes look golden and crispy. (Sometimes we will take them out early because our daughter prefers them soft vs. crispy. Easier for her to chew up!) 

Veggies:

-bag of vegetable medley

-seasonings

   In a large stove pot with fitted lid, fill the pot with water until the bottom is covered in a puddle of water. Add vegetables and seasonings, or just chop some fresh garlic into the pot. Cover with lid and cook on low heat until the vegetables turn bright and vibrant. 

The vegetables are a staple to almost every dinner of ours, we just change the meat up as variety! This also makes food prepping for the week easier. 

Hope you enjoy this post! This is a pretty generalized idea of what we eat on a day-to-day basis. It's a lot of cleanup cooking for every meal, but once you get into the habit of doing so...it's worth it! Eat good, feel good!

Happy 2015!

Happy 2015 everyone! I hope everyone had a blessed holiday season. We have had a wonderful time spending it together as a family. The last week has felt like a dream! Hopefully this new year may hold a day-shift position for my hubby! We spent our NYE out at a Japanese Steakhouse where they cook at your table. It was a lot of fun with great family and friends!

Girls' outfits from Naartjie

This morning I made my annual batch of laundry detergent and thought it would be a great recipe to share with you! I found a recipe online years ago and have been making it on my own ever since. It's seriously so easy and cheap. You have to try it!

Here's all that you'll need:
-1 box of Super Washing Soda (3 lb box)
-1 box of Borax (4 lb box)
-1 box of Baking Soda (4 lb box)
-1 box of Oxy Clean (or 3 lbs, & save the scoop & coupon that comes inside the container)
-2 bars of soap of your choice (I used this)

-a heavy duty spoon and large bucket for mixing ingredients
-glass canister for storage

Grate the bars of soap (I used a cheese grater or you could use a food processor) into small slivers. Dump all of the ingredients into a bucket (I like to add a little of each at a time-layering it-as to make the mixing easier). Mix it all together and scoop it into your glass canister. Use 1-2 tbsp per laundry load. That's it! You can of course add scented crystals to the laundry if you want an extra fresh scent! However, the bars of soap add a decent amount of fragrance. If you have particularly sensitive skin, then I'd recommend using a milder soap. We have really sensitive skin so I've used anything from Dove, Olay to this.

Because this detergent is low-suds, it is safe to use in high-efficiency washers and top loaders! It really is pretty much perfect. I love this stuff! It's saved us so much money. Here's to cleaner clothes and heavier wallets for 2015 ;)

Cheers!

Thanksgiving Weekend

   I want to start by apologizing for my lack of posts lately! Dustin has been working 10 hour days, 7 days a week and to top it off with holidays and my grandpa being sick. Yesterday was his 87th birthday, and he celebrated it in the hospital with the stomach flu, severe dehydration, and irregularly low heartbeat. So our Sunday will consist of enjoying this beautiful spring-like day as a family and visiting our grandpa at the hospital again.

   For his birthday, he said he wanted a banana cake. I love hearing his stories of his past birthdays. He told me that a few decades back, he made his own banana cake and all of the ladies would always ask him when he was going to bake another one for them ;)

   I wanted to make a nostalgic cake for him, so I did some Pinteresting and came upon this recipe which turned out beautifully! It certainly isn't paleo, but it's definitely delicious! Baking this cake made me really miss my old days of baking all the time. Unfortunately, my grandpa couldn't enjoy a slice of the cake (he's on a strict liquid diet), but I may or may not have slipped him just one "small" bite. Shhh!!

   Our thanksgiving was spent with family where I celebrated being done with our 28-day fall Nutrition Challenge at Crossfit Uncommon. I didn't cheat for one second of those 28 days, but I definitely dreamt of all of the things I'd be gettin' down on come Thanksgiving time! It was all I expected and so much more. I ate more than any man at the dinner table and didn't regret it for a second. 

Pre-turkey

Post-turkey

         I hope that ya'll have a beautiful Sunday! 

Gingerbread Protein Pancakes (Paleo)

   So as of lately, anytime that I have eggs for breakfast my stomach will be turning into knots for hours after. I have eaten eggs for just about every breakfast for over two years now! I figured maybe it's my way of my body telling me it's all egg-ed out. So I listened. I miss the days of eating pancakes, but don't want to put grains back into my diet so I came up with this recipe. It took me multiple tries to get them to look and taste just right and they get better every time I make them! Keep in mind when you're preparing them: that it's a small serving for one...I don't measure my spices or much of anything for that matter so if you like exact measurements, don't do this recipe. I'll be describing them with the annoying terms such as "dash", "scant", "pinch", etc.


Gingerbread Protein Paleo Pancakes

   A look at some of the ingredients:

Ingredients:

-about 1/2 cup almond meal
-1 egg
-1 scoop of protein powder of choice (I used chocolate, it's all I had. If you have gingerbread...that's even cooler)
-about 1/2 tbsp organic chia seeds (optional, adds texture and Omega 3's)
-handful-ish of organic unsweetened shredded coconut (optional, again-adds texture, flavor)
-pinch of coconut crystals (low glycemic alternative to sweeteners, nothing artificial about this one though :)
-dash of ginger, nutmeg, & clove
-super dash of cinnamon (optional on the "super" part...I just think you can never have too much cinnamon)
-almond milk (no set amount, just have it ready. Coconut milk is fine, too. Cow's milk is also fine, whatever you're into!)
-coconut oil


Get out a small bowl, add all of the dry ingredients (including the egg-not shown in this pic) into the bowl. Stir them together.

Now it's time for the milk. I literally just splash a very small amount into the bowl and mix.

If it is still dry & crumbly, then I will add another small splash. Keep adding the almond milk until it is thick and creamy.

Spoon batter onto medium-heated skillet (oiled with coconut oil) and let it cook until it bubbles and then flip it!

Top it off with nut butter, fruit, nuts, syrup. Whatever you would like!

Hope everyone enjoys this one! Happy Thanksgiving!

Mini Gingerbread "Snow" Covered Donuts

Today was the first day of snow around here and I was just too excited and in the Christmas spirit to not celebrate! I want my daughter to have the sweetest holiday memories. So I ran into her bedroom this morning to get her out of bed to show her the snow outside her window...only to find...a "reindeer"! We have 2 acres of unkept land where the deer love to nest this time of year. So seeing them in our yard is very entertaining. It was too perfect and cute to watch her reaction. Needless to say, it's been a magical day!  

Anyways, I'll cut to the chase. Here's the recipe to the donuts we made today...hope you enjoy as much as she did! Disclaimer: not everything I make is "clean eating" or paleo. Gotta let the kid taste the dirty stuff, too ;) 

Mini Gingerbread Snow Covered Donuts

Dry Ingredients:

-1 cup flour

-1 tsp baking powder

-1 cinnamon 

-1/2 tsp ginger

-1/8 tsp cloves

-1/8 tsp nutmeg

-1/4 tsp salt 

-1/4 cup brown sugar

Wet Ingredients: 

-1 egg

-3 tbsp maple syrup

-1/3 cup milk (I used almond milk)

-1 1/2 tsp vanilla

-3 tbsp melted butter (I used ghee, aka clarified butter) 

Frosting:

-1 cup powdered sugar

- 1tbsp hot water

-1/2 heaping tbsp almond milk (any milk is fine)

-splash of vanilla

-shredded unsweetened coconut

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease donut pan with coconut oil (or whatever it is that you use). Combine dry ingredients and stir. Add wet ingredients to dry and mix until moistened. Pipe the batter into the pan, careful to not overload them. Bake for 8 min. As they're cooling, mix frosting ingredients in a small bowl. Pour shredded coconut into a separate small dish and set aside. Once the donuts are cooled, dip in the frosting and let excess drip off (or let your toddler spastically shake it, so frosting goes flying) and then gently dunk into bowl of shredded coconut. Lay on a pretty plate and enjoy! 

Our loss, Heaven's great gain

As most of you probably already know most of this story, I wanted to share again. This is obviously from my perspective, but I also realize it was as much Dustin's loss as it was mine. I cannot speak for him. He's been so strong through this process, but I am certain he feels the same.

I have received so many messages from moms and dads of their stories of miscarriage and so many sweet prayers...I am so thankful for everyone sharing their personal stories of their sweet babies. I was also extremely saddened that so many people haven't shared their stories with others. Although it is NOT fun to talk about, I can't imagine how hard it would be to heal if I closed up and didn't talk and pray about it. I am a very open and honest person, so I don't mind telling my story. I don't care that some people disagree with what I've done or how I feel about this. I don't care if people judge me for what's happened. I don't regret telling people that we were expecting before we made it to the second trimester. I hope that some mothers and fathers that have suffered loss find encouragement through our suffering.

I found out that we were expecting on Labor Day. Dustin and I were elated and didn't wait a second to share the news with our family. The family was of course very excited. Only a couple of weeks after finding out that we were pregnant, we had an ultrasound to discover that we were expecting twins!! We couldn't believe it. Literally, shocked. The ultrasound tech waited about fifteen minutes into the appointment to tell us...which made it even harder to believe! She wanted to be sure that there were really two sacs before telling us.

She, and the midwife, were very very clear from the beginning that they don't see twins this early in an ultrasound all that often and to be very cautious to share the news with anyone, even close family, until we were in the "clear" of the glorious second trimester.

We left the appointment, unphased by their warnings and couldn't wait to tell family and friends. So we didn't. I felt so sure inside my heart that I was meant to carry those twins full term and that they would be perfectly safe inside me. I was healthy. I am strong mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I never for a moment considered that a miscarriage could be a part of our history.

That was, until our next appointment. The babies hadn't changed too much in the ultrasound and I just sensed that things weren't right. I knew that I should have measured further along. I stayed strong and didn't cry when the tech told us that things weren't looking too good. I didn't want to believe her words. After all, I had already gotten everyone's hopes up. I didn't want to face all of the upset questions from family and friends.

I quickly fell apart after leaving the appointment and realized that my confidence in the blessings was my own selfishness. Total selfishness. I had two weeks to grieve the possibility of a miscarriage before I actually miscarried both babies. So when it actually happened, I was somewhat prepared and at peace. I knew in my heart that it was coming.

It was a lonely night when it happened, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I grieved for them. I had all night alone to cry, pray and be in my own thoughts. I selfishly wanted them still growing inside me, but knew that this wasn't a mistake. This was God's plan from the beginning. I was just along for the bumpy ride. I waited until the sun came up and my daughter woke up to bury the babies. I showed Hayden and Dustin the babies, prayed for them, we kissed the burial box and we buried them in a special place in our yard. It was a very hard thing to do, but wouldn't have it any other way.

So many people have apologized to me. Told me that they're sorry for my loss. I am not sorry. I'm not sorry that it happened. Of course I am extremely saddened and aching inside, but I am peaceful knowing that the babies weren't mine to begin with. God chose me to carry them. Even if it were for just a couple months...he chose me for this great joy and this great suffering. I am beyond honored and thankful for it all. Words can't express my thankfulness for God's constant grace. He knew that I could handle this. Through this all, it's brought me so much closer to Him. All I can seem to do is praise Jesus. And for that, I am also thankful. Without God, I wouldn't have known His promise to find the positivity and strength to make it through.

Again, Dustin and I are so thankful for the love and personal stories that people have so kindly shared with us. Knowing how painful it is to talk about, we thank you and are praying for you all! We love all of you so much.


Psalm 71: 20-21

     Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up.