Looking back at how I felt in that moment of having one child, life was hard. I was drowning in the newness of the role of being a mother. I worried about everything my daughter ate, did or didn't do. I was filled with fears, regret, hormones, exhaustion and disappointment. I suffered from postpartum depression. Until this point I didn’t believe postpartum depression was real, I honestly always thought it was an excuse for the weak. I couldn’t have been anymore off. I was in the hardest season of my life this far. No one can prepare you for that. No amount of advice, books, or warnings could have prepared me for the hardness that was headed our way. Everyone talks about PP depression now, but I find that there's still a lack of normalcy to it. I never wanted to admit that I felt sad fulfilling this role somedays, or felt insanely angry on others. I absolutely dreaded the loneliness that nighttime would bring. I hated being alone at night with a baby who screamed her head off nonstop no matter what I did. I hated myself even more when I would lose my temper and say hurtful things to the kid I am supposed to be loving and nurturing.
I am pregnant with our third kid and am so thankful for this, but most days my husband and I wonder how we could possibly add another human to our chaotic life. (Major hats off to you parents who have an army of children) 99.9% of the time we feel as if we are just barely getting through the day successfully only to go to bed exhausted knowing tomorrow brings the rain all over again. But what keeps me going is constant prayer and knowing that I am in this with my homie Jesus and my awesome husband. We are a team. Over the years, we have grown to be a seriously solid team that can accomplish anything. There may be somedays that we are lucky to high five and kiss as we head out the door, but I know we are in this together and that makes us stronger than any amount of tiny humans seeking to suck the life out of us. ;)
So that picture of the fancy lunch I posted for my daughter on that successful day wasn't fully honest. Those who are close to me know my struggles with this, but for those who aren't and see me post happy pictures-here's the real story behind it all. I may have nailed a solid lunch, but what that post didn't show was a mom who was terrified and desperate to hear that she wasn't alone. If any of you read this and know what I am talking about, I high five you and give you a gigantic hug. You're not alone...and having those thoughts doesn't make you any less of a mother. You will overcome it. I did, with lots of prayer and effort. There are still days where I wake up to hear the crying moans over the baby monitor and just wish that I could skip the day or checkout already. I think, "You just slept all night, how can you possibly be waking up crying?!"
There's nothing wrong with you feeling that way, and I find it super encouraging when others can be honest in their struggles and makes me feel as if I can continue on with my day with a smile knowing we are in this together. We can take advantage of social media to build relationships with those around us who are in similar stages of life and build each other up. Raising another human is a hard job, but there is no one better equipped to do it than you. God chose you to be your baby's momma, not anyone else. So own that role and picture yourself on the craziest-most fun roller coaster ever...sit back and enjoy the ride ;)!
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| This better not be foreshadowing... |
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