I have received so many questions from strangers, friends and family as to why I chose to explant. And to be quite honest, as I sit here in the first week of post-op...I have asked myself once if I made the right choice. I quickly stopped that thought because I knew that it would lead me into a whirlwind of negative responses.
I know that I don't owe anyone an explanation. But in true Lindsay fashion, I am an open book and if sharing my experience saves someone else from making my same decisions...I would say it is worth sharing. I have no shame in admitting that I chose to have a breast augmentation in 2009. I was 21 at the time and truly hated myself. I didn't like who I was, I didn't know who I was, and I definitely didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was consumed by society's standards of what was beautiful and womanly. My AAA cup (maybe a AA cup at most) didn't fit that mold and I hated it. Dustin and I were just dating at the time. I told him that I wanted to have breast implants placed. He shut it down and told me that I didn't need them to be beautiful. But when I have something in my mind, I won't let it go and almost always see it through.
I will never forget when my best friend, Katie, called me and said "Lindsay! The radio station is having a 'Breast Christmas Ever' (I laugh out loud at this still to this day...it's so ridiculous) contest!" And I just knew this was my chance to do it (seeing as how I was a college student with zero income). So long story short, I submitted a hilarious video and won myself a set of fake boobs.
The surgery was quick and easy. I woke from surgery feeling as if there was an actual elephant sitting on my chest and dying from pain. I remember looking down at my chest, still groggy from the anesthesia and said "Oh sh!t, I have t!ts! They're huge!" (Pardon my vulgarity..let's remember that I was a different person and in a dark place.) I was so thrilled with my results. They were beautiful and I finally felt like a woman.
For many years, I told all of my girlfriends that it was the best decision that I made in my life thus far, next to marrying Dustin. I genuinely meant it, too. That is how much I loved it. I compared it to marrying my husband. That's just freaking sad. Unfortunately for me and my openness, I led many women to make the same decision that I made. I say it is unfortunate for me, because I should have told those women that they were perfect. BECAUSE THEY ARE. I didn't build them up in a time when they needed it most. I didn't set any good examples. Hindsight is 20/20. I was obviously not in any condition to be able to positively influence anyone.
Life was wedded bliss with my big fake boobs until it wasn't. I was pregnant with my middle child in 2015 (my implants were around 7 years old at this point which I learned is the average time it takes for issues to arise in most studies) that I noticed some mild discomfort on my left side. I brushed it off as something that I probably did during a workout. Some time passed and my son was born. Just days before his first birthday, he got very sick with RSV. I literally spent two straight weeks holding him 24/7. Even when he slept. I held him mostly on my left side so that I could keep my right arm free to do tasks. It was from that point on that the discomfort got worse. I told my husband that something wasn't right and that when I was done breastfeeding our son that I would probably need to have them fixed. So that was my plan. Until we accidentally got pregnant with the third kid. So unfortunately, I went longer than I wanted to in suffering from this pain for 3+ years. It hurt to take a deep breath, it hurt to do any chest movements, it was disabling me from crossfitting, and from holding my kids.
I was telling one of my breast friends (see what I did there ;) about my pain and she had asked if I heard about breast implant illness. This was my same friend who asked me when I was pregnant with our first child, if I had ever considered having a natural, drug-free birth. I owe so much to her for opening my eyes! I began researching breast implant illness (BII for short). Superficially, the research seemed like most any sickness that you can Google....every symptom under the sun fell under this BII category. (insert an eyeroll) I didn't like the term or the results, so I changed my searches. I was more concerned with the implants, the materials used and safety/efficacy studies done on them. I spent countless hours and sleepless nights researching and I didn't find a single study or sheet from the manufacturer of my implants that brought me piece of mind. TRUST ME....I dug deep. I needed seriously convincing evidence to talk me out of having boobs. I loved them. The thought of taking them out was absurd and downright terrifying to me. I was going to take out something that I loved, and return to my old chest with possibly more scars; if not...worse. Then the self-abuse started. I beat myself up mentally for a solid year for even putting the implants in. Why couldn't I just have been happy with the way that God made me? The enemy was creeping in on my life and consuming my thoughts. This was all part of the learning and growth process for me. I struggled and ultimately leaned in on lots of prayer and self affirmations.
On March 1, 2019 the FDA finally came out with a statement admitting that all breast implants are linked to a specific type of cancer. This cancer is only found in women who have implants. Other countries are banning these manufacturers. I was part of what was supposed to be a ten year study/trial with Allergen implant manufacturers who after only a few short years, dropped the study for lack of retention and success. After researching the materials used to make the implants (the data sheet from Allergan is deeply disturbing and was never shown to me prior to augmentation), their ability to allow bodily fluids to permeate (which therefore would also allow implant materials to leach), the fact that I was in pain which was ultimately disabling me from enjoying life, and for the beautiful fact that I have life now; all helped me decide to explant.
Here is what I am certain of:
I finally know who I am. I found purpose. I matured. I was created in His image, which is beyond beautiful. I am a wife to an amazing man who builds me up every, single, day. I am a mother to three babies who desperately need me. I am a mother to two daughters who need to know how to love their bodies because this world will not teach them that. I am surrounded by strong women in my life who have taught me to love myself and to be confident. I refuse to have a surgery every ten years just to have a chest. It's simply not worth it to me anymore. I made some seriously poor decisions. I would love to regret them, but I won't allow myself to have that regret. Sure, they have caused a lot of tough consequences down the road that are painful. But that same pain has led me to so much growth. I can now, make up for the poor choices that I made then. I can share my very humbling journey of loving myself to my daughters. They will never hear me complain about my body. Ever. Even now. Guys...if you're wondering what boobs look like immediately after explant...they're not so glamorous. They're wrapped so dang tight from compression and bandages that the skin wrinkles temporarily and the general flatness of my natural self is shocking. I went from a full F cup while nursing to an A. Talk about weight loss! I have every reason to make negative comments. But I will not. Anytime I find myself not liking what I see, I tell myself that "I am perfect, I love myself" (declaring it aloud) and then walk away from the mirror. I refuse to waste any more of my life by beating myself up for a severe lack of confidence. I will not go back to what I was before. I know it sounds silly and all girl-powerish...but it's true when I say that my chest didn't define me (even though I allowed it to for a while). I will not let myself or my daughters fall into that same trap.
This will continue to be a healing and humbling experience as I heal in the year to come. It was a major surgery. They had to repair my 10-year old torn, weakened muscle. It will take a long time to regain strength. I am quite literally getting my butt kicked now that I am home and trying to coexist as a mom who did it all, to now a mom with a bruised ego who can't use her arms yet. I will keep you all updated as I go. But just know that if you're on the fence about getting implants that I would strongly advise you to reconsider. I influenced too many to getting them years before and now it's my turn to help influence even more to love themselves. Be thankful for whatever season you are in. Every moment, good or bad, is an opportunity to grow.
